Lord Jesus, You are so far away from me. 

really, how does it feel like to have a special someone? 

who what? time?

:) 

i want to stop time, so i can fly back home and spend time with my family, relatives, & friends.

i want to stop time, so i have more time to study for my GRE. 

i want to stop time, so i can spend time with my friends who flew to visit me.

i want to stop time, so i can thoroughly take care of new ones by spending time with them. 

i want to stop time, so i have the chance (finally) to reply to all my mails and fb wall posts.

i want to stop time, so i can muse on His word and be prepared for the training. 

i want to stop time, so i can exercise ): 

i want to stop time, so i can cook a decent meal. 

i want to stop time, so i have more time to talk on the phone. 

i want to stop time, so i can take my time at the grocery store and run my errands.

i want to stop time, so i can take a walk at the park opposite my house. 

i want to stop time, so i can daydream on rainy days. 

i want to stop time, so i have more time to apply for grad schools. 

i want to stop time, so i can travel to new york and ice skate outdoors with the tall buildings surround. 

i want to stop time, so i can catch up on my GRE vocabulary. 

i want to stop time, so i can help my friends with their love problems ): 

i want to stop time, so i can bring my new one to eat beef noodles ): 

i want to stop time, so i won't be easily frustrated over LA traffic. 

i want to stop time, so i can go to magic mountain.

i want to stop time, so i can short term. 

i want to stop time, so i can do my laundry :x 

i want to stop time, so i can sell my clothes! 

i want to stop time, so i can buy milk tea :)

i want to stop time, so i can take a longer time in shower.

i want to stop time, so i can snooze when my alarm rings.

i want to stop time, so i won't be anxious over the next hour. 

i want to stop time, so i wouldn't have 'wasted' 10 minutes of my time typing why i want to stop time :P 

my point is: i want to stop time.

Parallels.

smite. spoon. moon. boom. spam. rock. jam. sam. bam. pan. butter. paint. pane. pond. shiggles. bracket. colon. coma. period. dotty. quote. hax. pro. prone. hax. HAX. #. thong. throng. rust. rust is good. sun. caps. shift. haru. moose. moss. bacteria. paul. frank. thissle. thorp. hat. tap. thunder. prowl. yak. yam. lamb. yacht. sea urchin. light. saber. yoda. smiggle. dumbledore. selina. harry. smug. pokemon. charm. mander. bulb. squirt. squirtle. pika. jiggly puff. mug. onix. vulpix. goldeen. starmie. ash. wisp. trash. wire. paran. anchor. gold. boar. boat. sugar. sucrose. syrup. tut. hut. pound. ponds. chased. bank? chase. stab. stand. staple. screwdriver. wood. saw. staple. stable. strap. belt. wheel. antenna. umbrella. pantsy. pants. pier. deer. peak. teeth. twig. creek. seed. tick. tock. toad. streak. jig. jiggolo. pig. gigogolo. eek. geek. heat. fever. leak. water. drop. bomb. velocity. physics. finite. math. junction. road. function. broad. way. solid. liquid. gas. blind. deaf. mute. disabled. ill. sick. fatal. death. life. ressurected. ascension. redemption. glasses. spectacles. frame. lenses. lens. gland. amoeba. cell. myth. pan's labyrinth. salute. soldier. shift. money. spit. saliva. bacteria. trail mix. magaruita. jerk. i know. crog. crocks. crop. prawl. cone. compass! onesemus. rhema. casette. tape. spade. kate. bade. beige. zion. soy bean. soy. joy. boy. KOI. puma. pyu. poo. moo. goose. miu. mew. chew. gum. cotton. miu. miu. MIU.

the end for today.

omg debora sutjiawang. 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

CAN YOU CALL ME PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

): 

21.

i don't know why, but i always make a big deal of my birthday ): 

i know, it's bad. so unhealthy, so ungodly, so worldly, so-shldn't-be. 

but i can't go by the days before my birthday not knowing what fun things i'm going to do that day, and not having things planned for me to look forward to something.

ew. i'm such a spoilt brat. 

but you probably know that by now already. 

haha. even as i'm writing this, i'm feeling so ... dots. lol. it's so childish and immature of me to worry about such insignificant matter. 

but why 偏偏 i still let these thoughts preoccupy me? 

haha. is it just me, or the fact that.. i'm turning TWENTYONE. 

actually, it's just satan. 

so what do people do when they turn 21? 

duh. they drink. 

but i'm not like every person who gets pleasure and satisfaction in taking shots of alcohol ):

so what if i'm 21? 

boo. the biggest reason why i won't drink is because i hate destroying my body. 

i want my liver to function even when i'm on my death bed. 

and i can't ever give way for 'fetal something syndrome' for my baby in the future! 

that's how important my health is. 

even though there are so many times i could not help it but gave in to chips and cheetos ):

haha. you must be snickering right now, thinking how ridiculous i am for being me. 

well, you're right, so i won't argue. 

seriously, my days of being TWEN-TEEN is almost over. 

boo-hau to the cruel, unprotected, harsh reality in the adult world.

yet hooray to a step closer to finding love, career, children, and God. 

i always say that huh? but until now, i haven't even experienced what it is to be loved by a man. 

seems like every friend i have is either married, engaged, or seeing someone. or the very least, talking to someone (they like). 

and me? 

i was told by God to be obedient and wait "a little longer".

well, you know how God works with his time. 

it's different from our measure of time!

God's "a little longer", is Cindy's "eternity future". 

This is how miscommunication occurs between God and I-- The lack of trust, faith, and not believing. 

In fact, that 3 things are probably the root of all problems between and among people. 

anyhow, God wants me to wait a tat bit longer. 

but He doesn't know how i yearn so much for courtship. 

): 

boo. 

by the time "the time comes", everything is so rushed that there isn't a necessity for courtship because usually in the church life u don't need to date. so i'd probably be off married to some brother after spending 3 weeks of starbucks. and if i'm lucky, another week at coffee bean. 

oh wells. all these anxiety and all wouldn't at all matter no more after i faithfully go through my 2 years of bible school. because at then, these things would no longer be my concern or focus.

what exactly am i beating about the bush about? 

oh. just random. but. is it really really really really abnormal to admire someone for so long?

is it really really a huge unforgiveable, disgusting crime to like someone who barely knows of your existence? ):

you know who i'm talking about. 

but it's really inevitable that he pops in my mind so very often at very random times. 

yes, i should pray. 

but do you think because we are obviously from different planets, so i should give that teeny bit of hope up? ): 

boo. 

if there's one thing i want for my 21'st birthday, is for him to wish me a happy birthday.. 

moments that live

awww~ that was a beautiful day :)

thank you sisters.

好朋友！毕业了。

my dear cousin and sister sia lee came to visit!

this is why i love them :) 

haha. just kidding. you don't think i'm really that shallow, DO you?

anyhow, amen for them! :) 

31st July

For some reason or another, everything falls on July 31st: 

1) FTTA Application Deadline

2) Sayuri leaves for France.

3) Elaine leaves for Singapore. 

4) Korean Final

5) Work

6) Harry Potter's birthday.

Other reasons that may very well ALSO fall on July 31st:

1) Sherry leaves for San Jose to be with her <3 

2) Her <3>3) My favorite Japanese restaurant is unexpectedly closed for the day

4) or. It's open but there's a long line and I have to wait for an hour to eat fresh fish. 

5) or. It's open and I don't have to wait but I am not craving rubbery fresh fish. 

6) or perhaps I crave for the real upper class ZAGAT rated dining place but I have ...

a. no one to dine with me

b. no time to dress up

c. no mood to go

d. no $$ to spend

e. nothing to look forward to. 

7) or. everything works out and I finally set off and there's an accident on the highways and thus traffic. 

there you go. 7 other possible unexpected events to come. 

refuse to continue with my list. but :) as long as i know each passing year brings me closer to meeting my knight and my clinic. 

The Mango Returns

Take #1

Take #2 

Take #3

Hi debora :) above is not the dilemma i said i'll blog about. but anyhows,  i'm just in the mood to tell you about this particular short story that happened! 

so as you can see, the mango returns! 

as you read this, you probably already have a few questions lined up in your head ready to ask me. don't worry, i've put it in words all nicely for you: 

1) "Omg Cindy. How did you feel?" (Before you met him) 

2) "... How did you feel?" (When you are with him) 

3) "... How are you feeling... now?" (Now that you have seen him) 

4) "... so.. what's next? what's gonna happen?" 

5) ".. do you.. do you... ?" (Did you mean whether I still... *ahem* him?) 

it's so funny. i used to like him so much :) 

holding a torch for him for months, but he never liked me that way. 

and because of physical separation, we both no longer exist in the same time, on the same land, with the same schedule anymore. 

you saw how happy i was when he emailed me even if it was only 2-3 sentences after 2-3 weeks.

and you saw how sad i was when i saw that a new girl has entered his life.

and i was never anything special, because truly, it was "out of sight, out of mind". 

anyways. i happily moved on with my life! :)

and then 2 years later. 

The Mango Returns. 

it was only for 2 days though. and we barely spent time to reminisce over the years. 

we met for a quick dinner and he had to catch a bus to go to san jose. 

what can we catch up about in such a short time? 

indeed, there wasn't much updating between us. 

but all i know was that.

the feeling that i had 2 years ago when were spending time as friends, 

IS the same feeling i had a week ago when i met him for that few hours. 

nothing seemed to be different. 

i felt so secure in his presence :)

it's like.. for the past 2 years in LA, i've not gotten that feeling from anybody, at all. 

it's so funny. 

i really like the 'me' with him. 

cause i felt so rested, and in peace. like there's nothing to worry about. 

and it was at that moment that i was reminded again, why i used to like him so much. 

cause he's just unique that way! 

but don't get me wrong. 

i no longer like him that way, or wait for him that way. 

the moment i let him go, i literally, and really, let him go. 

i really really appreciate him as a friend. 

and as someone who made a difference in my life :)

he genuinely cared, and i owe him a debt. 

how can i not tell him about the person who loves me the most?

so i gave him a tract, and wrote to him about the precious one :) 

The one that loves me, loves him too!

pray for him kay. 

i really really want him to get to the full knowledge of the truth. 

i feel like all these time when we were friends, he helped me so much but i couldn't do anything to help him. he has so much problems that he kept it all to himself. 

he doesn't tell me all those, but i hope he can see that there's someone he can depend on for the rest of his life. 

:)

awww deb. you know how i feel right? 

the right way? 

i'm so burdened for him. 

you know he's the only guy good to me. genuinely. 

:)

i believe you know what i mean. 

i owe him so much. 

and i can only give him Christ. 

<3

DEBORA SUTJIAWANG! 

I LOVE YOU A LOT A LOT! :) 

Anws, below are some pictures from Spring Break way down SOUTH:  

pretty, isn't it? :)

people in the south fishes and park boats behind their houses.

the shortest verse in the bible.

everything is BIG in TEXAS.

250 pounds of crawfish we ate that night ;) 

saints are so precious.

lunch break.

brothers and Bops.

us and Bops :) 

not frozen yoghurt, but FROZEN CUSTARD!

f i n a l s

hello there :) 

i miss you. miss dee dee land. miss writing, miss overflowing, miss my imagination. 

i miss you. 

真的。 

so i just finished 2 hardcore finals today. 

1) Mathematical Linguistics

2) Abnormal Psychology

#1 is draining because it's all about proofs and theorems in languages. it's like math on english. 

and it's definitely far from what my brain can do. but oh am i glad it's over :D 

i closed my book and am not opening it ever again. 

#2 is another tiring class because of T.M.I (too much information), and it's definitely not something you can read casually in starbucks and expect to score in your multiple choice. 

my professor is a fan of details and cases and statistics and again, i say, details. with that, he applies that to many problems in abnormality. anyways, i can't think on top of my head like this right now. head hurts. especially after only having slept 2.5hrs last night. 

i have an 8am final. and guess what time i woke up?

many guessed 7:30am. 

nope. it's 7:45am! 

okay. 15minutes is not that a big of deal you may think, but. DANG. 

brush teeth, wash face, pick clothes, put them on, tie hair, put slippers on, make sure every thing's in my bag, and zooom* to school i went. 

omg. the whole embarrassment in front of hundreds of people, charging from the door to the podium to take my 60 questions and scantron. 

dang. my brain hurts. 

too early for my cells to function. 

and my poor brain probably took it's glucose from the chicken i ate at 3:30am , the hour i stayed up TRYING HARD to finish a line. 

anyways. i have one more tomorrow morning. 

don't know why i choose to blog at this unearthly moment, but :)

i miss you. 

why do we like the people we like.

why do we like the people we like? 

2009

Coming back from Asia, I feel like I am .. quite a different person. 

I hate LA, and everyone knows that. 

I used to dwell in bitterness thinking "why this?" "why that?" 

I can't find happiness and felt worst after a whole roundabout search for vanity. 

I felt sad that no matter how hard I tried, I still can't be happy. 

I felt frustrated that my enjoyments of the Lord is very much temporary. 

I am mad at myself for feeling so out of place. 

I can't get over the fact that I chose to be in LA, and I thought it was His will. 

I hated my life. 

But 2009 gave me a different perspective. 

Not that everything I said has a 360 degrees change, but just the fact that..

right now, I learnt to accept my unhappiness. 

Does that even make sense to anybody? haha. 

Well, what I'm trying to say is that..

It's ok to be unhappy. 

Yes, It's okay to be unhappy. 

Again, what I mean is.. "Why must I be happy all the time?" 

It's perfectly okay to be unhappy. 

It's okay that life is not perfect.

It's okay that nothing goes my way and everything falls apart. 

It.

is.

Okay. 

And because of that simple "realization", I lived a happi-ER life. 

just. with. the. simple. way. of.. ACCEPTING. 

It's a precious lesson to me, learning to accept. 

I remember a verse saying how we should learn/know how to be content, and to be abased, to be xxx, and yyy. something like that (: HAHA. Oh Lord. 

yes, that verse. 

I just want to be Thankful. 

Thankful for everything. 

Thankful to whatever and however the Lord has placed me in. 

=D 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, I know many of you want to know what happened to Onion. 

I prayed about him a lot. Brought him up to the Lord, a lot. (especially when I was in Asia, away from him) 

I told the Lord how I hated things to be a "Grey Area". I totally hate that. 

I told the Lord that I want things to be clear. And I need something to be done. For me to know what His will IS, for me. 

And Amen, yes, it SURE was painful to know, but AMEN AMEN =D 

Amen that right then when I landed in LA, something happened and I knew, at that point, 

that the Lord says, "Cindy, He is NOT my will for you." 

Desperate for comfort, I dialed numbers to reach my family and friends, but hardly anyone picked up. Then, I really took the opportunity to turn to the Lord for my real comfort.

I called on His name from deep within, and out loud (i really did. cus i was desperate for comfort, and calling His name was the only way.) And in about 10 minutes, my pained emotions were subdued. 

After that, .. I did not look at the brother as "that special someone" anymore. 

(: 

my strayed heart was brought back to the Lord. 

This experience helped me to be so quiet before the Lord, and listen intently to what He has got to say. Honestly, i just received a call from that brother right when I landed, and THAT VERY 1st SENTENCE he said to me, WAS, God's speaking "He's not The One for you, Cindy."